Leigh

Feels like lately when I write is has something to do with death and grief. My sweet precious friend Leigh went home to be with Jesus last night after a long courageous battle with cancer. I met Leigh about 7 years ago when Christopher took a youth ministry job at the church she attended. Her daughter Brianna was in our youth group and our children adored “Banana” so we naturally grew to love Brianna's parents. Leigh played the piano with Christopher and they started working on some contemporary music which they both loved. Leigh was one of those people that tried to and was really good at pleasing everyone around her. I think that quality was what made me want to begin to form a friendship with her. We took her and Brian to CCYC with us each year as the other set of chaperons and we really formed a strong bond with both of them.

In 2015 Leigh and I found out our cancer had returned. Her's in her breast and mine in my kidney. We found out within weeks of each other. We used the same oncologist and were having treatment at the same time which caused us to form a bond like none other. She loving referred to me as her Big C Buddy. Leigh loved nicknames and referred to mine quite often. We started to keep a journal together to help us have someone to vent too...she called it the LeBeck Journal and we would trade the journal on Sunday's when we would see each other at church. There was funny stuff, sad stuff, and serious stuff written each week by each other. She could write better than anyone I've ever known. She had a way with words and she loved making special cards to send to people around her.

The great thing about Leigh was I could totally be myself around her and she accepted me as mouthy, loud and crazy as I was and she still loved me. She would look at me sometimes and give me that “You really shouldn't say that” look and remind me to be quiet. She was the reason I tried to support my husband at church so much even when it had become so hard to do. She would say “Rebecca, you know he needs you here with him.” That was advice that I will never forget.

I'm going to miss our late night text messages the most.....the ones I could tell that she really needed to be asleep during because they didn't always make sense. I'm going to miss her corny sense of humor. I'm going to miss her calling me SnuggleBucket because she knew I hated it. I'm going to miss her being able to tell what I was thinking and telling me to not say it out loud. I'm going to miss all of our inside “Neighbor” jokes. I'm just going to miss my friend. My heart is broken because she isn't here but I know she received her ultimate prize for a race that she fought hard to win. And she did win just not the reward I selflessly wanted her to win here on this earth.

Explaining Grief

Last night after the kids had already been put to bed Palmer comes back out and climbs in my lap. He said “Mama, What happens if I forget what Nana was like? Am I going to remember her when I get bigger like Pierce?” As the tears started to swell in his little eyes, my eyes did too. How do you answer something like that? I looked over to Christopher for an answer.....he didn't have one either.

I'm not sharing this looking for a pity party or for people to tell me that they are praying for us but to share how grief really impacts people. I think until losing my Mama I always like a lot of others tried to put a time limit on grief but you can't. Losing Raegan hurt but losing my Mama has been a different kind of hurt. My heart literally aches and there are times that I feel like the waves of life are crashing in around me and grief covers my soul. I can be taking a shower and remember something and I start to cry uncontrollably. I'm not used to not being in control.

After I held Palmer last night and cried with him and explained to him that I would do my very best to help him remember everything about his Nana it made me want to search for scripture about grief. So here's what I found and I felt lead to share because there might be someone hurting just as much as we are right now but they are scared to speak up and if you know me then you know I'm not scared to speak up ;)

2 Corinthians 1:3-11

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,[a] about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

After reading this passage what a great and comforting thought that our comfort comes from the only one who can comfort us in times that we don't understand. I am thankful for the promise of eternal life even when my earthly mind can't comprehend what joys await us in Heaven!  

Hate this picture turned out fuzzy but this was taken the night before Mama died.