Leigh

Feels like lately when I write is has something to do with death and grief. My sweet precious friend Leigh went home to be with Jesus last night after a long courageous battle with cancer. I met Leigh about 7 years ago when Christopher took a youth ministry job at the church she attended. Her daughter Brianna was in our youth group and our children adored “Banana” so we naturally grew to love Brianna's parents. Leigh played the piano with Christopher and they started working on some contemporary music which they both loved. Leigh was one of those people that tried to and was really good at pleasing everyone around her. I think that quality was what made me want to begin to form a friendship with her. We took her and Brian to CCYC with us each year as the other set of chaperons and we really formed a strong bond with both of them.

In 2015 Leigh and I found out our cancer had returned. Her's in her breast and mine in my kidney. We found out within weeks of each other. We used the same oncologist and were having treatment at the same time which caused us to form a bond like none other. She loving referred to me as her Big C Buddy. Leigh loved nicknames and referred to mine quite often. We started to keep a journal together to help us have someone to vent too...she called it the LeBeck Journal and we would trade the journal on Sunday's when we would see each other at church. There was funny stuff, sad stuff, and serious stuff written each week by each other. She could write better than anyone I've ever known. She had a way with words and she loved making special cards to send to people around her.

The great thing about Leigh was I could totally be myself around her and she accepted me as mouthy, loud and crazy as I was and she still loved me. She would look at me sometimes and give me that “You really shouldn't say that” look and remind me to be quiet. She was the reason I tried to support my husband at church so much even when it had become so hard to do. She would say “Rebecca, you know he needs you here with him.” That was advice that I will never forget.

I'm going to miss our late night text messages the most.....the ones I could tell that she really needed to be asleep during because they didn't always make sense. I'm going to miss her corny sense of humor. I'm going to miss her calling me SnuggleBucket because she knew I hated it. I'm going to miss her being able to tell what I was thinking and telling me to not say it out loud. I'm going to miss all of our inside “Neighbor” jokes. I'm just going to miss my friend. My heart is broken because she isn't here but I know she received her ultimate prize for a race that she fought hard to win. And she did win just not the reward I selflessly wanted her to win here on this earth.

Explaining Grief

Last night after the kids had already been put to bed Palmer comes back out and climbs in my lap. He said “Mama, What happens if I forget what Nana was like? Am I going to remember her when I get bigger like Pierce?” As the tears started to swell in his little eyes, my eyes did too. How do you answer something like that? I looked over to Christopher for an answer.....he didn't have one either.

I'm not sharing this looking for a pity party or for people to tell me that they are praying for us but to share how grief really impacts people. I think until losing my Mama I always like a lot of others tried to put a time limit on grief but you can't. Losing Raegan hurt but losing my Mama has been a different kind of hurt. My heart literally aches and there are times that I feel like the waves of life are crashing in around me and grief covers my soul. I can be taking a shower and remember something and I start to cry uncontrollably. I'm not used to not being in control.

After I held Palmer last night and cried with him and explained to him that I would do my very best to help him remember everything about his Nana it made me want to search for scripture about grief. So here's what I found and I felt lead to share because there might be someone hurting just as much as we are right now but they are scared to speak up and if you know me then you know I'm not scared to speak up ;)

2 Corinthians 1:3-11

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,[a] about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10 He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11 as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

After reading this passage what a great and comforting thought that our comfort comes from the only one who can comfort us in times that we don't understand. I am thankful for the promise of eternal life even when my earthly mind can't comprehend what joys await us in Heaven!  

Hate this picture turned out fuzzy but this was taken the night before Mama died. 

Puzzle Pieces

The past few weeks have been a crazy rush of ever constant changing emotions. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined that at 34 I would lose my Mama to cancer. Today is the first day I have been home alone and didn't have somewhere to be since she received her initial diagnosis because I made it my mission to do everything I could to help her during her short but brave battle. 

Mama and I had a relationship that was not always easy. She loved me and I loved her but we were like puzzle pieces that just couldn't find the right fit a lot of time. Growing up my Mama had epilepsy and her seizures were so bad that she would be bedridden from headaches sometimes for a couple days. My Dad worked shift work so we just did the best we could at time with the help of other family members. Mama didn't get her drivers license until I was a freshman in college.

My sister required much of my parents attention and she later had a child she couldn't take of so naturally my parents adopted him and raised him as their own. This 12 year old boy was the constant source of resentment for me towards my Mama at no fault of his own. You see I resented the way I saw my Mama take care of him because I wanted her in some way to take care of me like that or to even take care of her other 3 grandchildren like she did him.

The last 3 weeks of my Mama's life our puzzle pieces seems to fit together just right. She needed me and she wanted me right by her side at every step of the way. I think she knew from the beginning that her time here would be short so we begin to have some hard conversations that we had been avoiding for much of my adult life. She shared things with me that I never thought I'd ever hear her say. She gave me confirmation that she loved me even though it was hard for her because she thought I didn't need her because I was a strong, independent, and most importantly to her a Christian wife and mother. The truth was all these years since Jayden my nephew was born I felt that my Mama loved him more but I know she didn't but he just needed her love more because she wouldn't be around the rest of his life like she had mine to make sure he turned out to be a strong, independent, and most importantly to her a Christian husband and father.

My most cherished time with my Mama was last Friday night when she came home to wait for Jesus to call her home. That night I helped Mama get inside the house and as she sat in her recliner she asked me to kneel down in front of her and just let her hold me. And that is just what I did for the next 10 minutes she held me as I sobbed and she said “I love you Rebecca and I am so proud of you.” I can't even begin to explain how the next couple exhausting days made me feel even closer to her as I gave her my undivided attention. That was my way of making up for the hurt and pain both of us had shared for the last few years as we tried to make our puzzle pieces fit together. Even in all this hurt and pain I feel now I am so eternally grateful that God provided that puzzle glue to make sure those puzzle pieces stay together and I never forget how the puzzle was made whole again.  

Out of these Ashes, Beauty will RISE

This morning I sit here in a silent house with a heavy heart thinking and praying for family that lost a sweet precious baby girl. My heart aches for I know the pain and joy that this mother faced as she welcomed her new little daughter into this cold and dark world last night. Life is a precious gift from God and I am reminded of this daily. I can remember finding out our Raegan at 19 weeks had Trisomy 18 and would most likely not live long after her birth. God clearly laid out his plan for her and us. Those next 14 weeks were some of the hardest yet comforting weeks of our lives. We knew what was likely to happen but we never thought she would change our lives like she did.

My little Raegan's life left us questing our life's purpose and in the most broken and beautiful way God chose to use her to heal our brokenness. Christopher would have never gone into ministry. my passion to minister to other mothers in their time of what seems like despair would have never happened, and my mother in law would not have had the desire for a closer walk with Jesus. It's easy 8 years later to say all of this but that pain and heartache is still there but I know one day we will all be together again. 

I love the song by written by Steven Curtis Chapman Beauty Will Rise.  What beautiful words to comfort broken hearts. Out of these Ashes WE DID RISE! Thank you Jesus for our precious gift!! 

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed till my voice was gone
And watched through the tears
As everything came crashing down

Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes 
That are left behind

But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams
We have this hope 

Out of the ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming
In the morning

In the morning
Beauty will rise

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe 
I will believe for you

'Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes,
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes

Out of this darkness
New life will shine
And we'll know joy is coming in the morning

In the morning, 
I can hear it in the distance
And it's not too far away
It's the music
And the laughter of a wedding and a feast

I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say "It's time to make everything new
Making it all new"

This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes
Out of the ashes

It will take our breath
To see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes
Out of the ashes
Out of the ashes

A Time for Everything

A Time for Everything

Change is inevitable and is constant. It always seems to happen when we become most comfortable in our surroundings. We have gone through a lots of changes in the last few months...some good and some not so good but the one thing that I know is that this scripture is one that I have held onto though much of those changes. Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Each time I read that I scripture I am reminded of his love and never ending mercies that are new each day.

Last week we started the task of cleaning out Christopher's parents house so we could make it our new home. Lots of emotions came to the surface going through things that hold precious memories for each of us. Not only did Christopher and his brother grow up in this house but since the age of 16 I grew up spending lots of time in this house. My prayer during this whole entire process of change in our lives is that I will create the same loving home my mother in law created there.

God has provided in a big and mighty way for us in providing a job that Christopher loves just as much as he loved being in full time ministry and a home much closer to that job and for that I am grateful. Ecclesiastes 3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.

Prodigal Daughter

I haven’t blogged in a loooong time because honestly I’ve had a crazy a couple of months were I’ve been walking around trying to hide the hurt and disappointment that my heart was aching with…key word being WAS. I have been telling my sweet friend Paula NO about going on the Emmaus Walk now for about 6 years. I finally gave in right after Christmas and said yes and I can say it was the BEST decision I have ever made. I can’t share a bunch of details about the actual Emmaus Walk maybe because I have a few friends I plan on duct taping their mouths shut and making them go or maybe it’s because I can’t even begin to describe the experience and the effect it’s had on my heart. I went there expecting not much of anything and I left expecting everything to be different. The story of the Prodigal son found in Luke 15 was the focus of a lot of this past weekend and I wanted to share the few verses that really spoke to me.

Luke 15 ^28-32 “The older brother stalked off in an angry sulk and refused to join in. His father came out and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen. The son said, ‘Look how many years I’ve stayed here serving you, never giving you one moment of grief, but have you ever thrown a party for me and my friends? Then this son of yours who has thrown away your money on whores shows up and you go all out with a feast!’ “His father said, ‘Son, you don’t understand. You’re with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours—but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate. This brother of yours was dead, and he’s alive! He was lost, and he’s found!''

I have always heard the story of the Prodigal Son and never really thought much of it because I couldn’t be that son that turns his back on his family, God and everything he knew. I was the one who always did everything by the book….college, married my High School Sweetheart, had the perfect little children, worked hard at my job, supported my husband and his desire to minister to others, and was at the church EVERYTIME the doors were opened it seemed like.  I had become that angry, cold hearted, and bitter older son and I hadn’t even realized it. I had gotten so wrapped up on pleasing everyone around me that I had forgotten God’s purpose for my life. GRACE and FORGIVENESS are what I am called to show to everyone around me not condemnation and self righteousness because now I can see that hasn’t helped my witness at all but only hurt it. God has given us all what we needed not Deserved.

Praying that other see his grace and mercy in my daily walk with him.

Are we really too busy???

I went to the ladies retreat at camp this past Friday night with Gayle because no one at my church had signed up to go and I didn’t want to go alone. I am so glad I went! The speaker was hilarious. She had the kind of sense of humor I wished more women of the church had, you know real humor about crazy things that happen in life. The theme this year was about coming back to heart of worship. As I sat there and looked around me I couldn’t help but notice I was one of the few “younger” ones there.  I am not saying anything is wrong with that by any means because I spend most of my time with my 60 “something”  friend but I couldn’t help but think about my generation of Christian women and what we are missing out on. I invited several women to attend and they were all busy with other stuff going on and trust me I understand about not being able to go to everything but we are missing out of all the great wisdom that these women have and that they really want to share with us. I feel like we constantly make excuses because we are “the wife, mother, and employee” and don’t have or make time for ourselves. If we don’t rise up and be the church then who will? 

 I am the first to say that I am FAR from perfect…I know you must have thought I was..haha …but these past few months have made me reflect on my life and what I want people to say about me when it’s my time to leave this earth. I think about something I read in James 4:14  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. What kind of legacy do I want to leave for my chidlren? The speaker last night was talking about this very thing and stepped on my toes for sure! 

 The bible tells us in Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”  That we are to fellowship with other believers and yet we get these great opportunities and we don’t take advantage of them. I am not trying to guilt anyone into going to these ladies retreats but I love going to them and using them to “recharge” myself. As a wife and mother my life needs lots of “recharging”!