Puzzle Pieces

The past few weeks have been a crazy rush of ever constant changing emotions. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined that at 34 I would lose my Mama to cancer. Today is the first day I have been home alone and didn't have somewhere to be since she received her initial diagnosis because I made it my mission to do everything I could to help her during her short but brave battle. 

Mama and I had a relationship that was not always easy. She loved me and I loved her but we were like puzzle pieces that just couldn't find the right fit a lot of time. Growing up my Mama had epilepsy and her seizures were so bad that she would be bedridden from headaches sometimes for a couple days. My Dad worked shift work so we just did the best we could at time with the help of other family members. Mama didn't get her drivers license until I was a freshman in college.

My sister required much of my parents attention and she later had a child she couldn't take of so naturally my parents adopted him and raised him as their own. This 12 year old boy was the constant source of resentment for me towards my Mama at no fault of his own. You see I resented the way I saw my Mama take care of him because I wanted her in some way to take care of me like that or to even take care of her other 3 grandchildren like she did him.

The last 3 weeks of my Mama's life our puzzle pieces seems to fit together just right. She needed me and she wanted me right by her side at every step of the way. I think she knew from the beginning that her time here would be short so we begin to have some hard conversations that we had been avoiding for much of my adult life. She shared things with me that I never thought I'd ever hear her say. She gave me confirmation that she loved me even though it was hard for her because she thought I didn't need her because I was a strong, independent, and most importantly to her a Christian wife and mother. The truth was all these years since Jayden my nephew was born I felt that my Mama loved him more but I know she didn't but he just needed her love more because she wouldn't be around the rest of his life like she had mine to make sure he turned out to be a strong, independent, and most importantly to her a Christian husband and father.

My most cherished time with my Mama was last Friday night when she came home to wait for Jesus to call her home. That night I helped Mama get inside the house and as she sat in her recliner she asked me to kneel down in front of her and just let her hold me. And that is just what I did for the next 10 minutes she held me as I sobbed and she said “I love you Rebecca and I am so proud of you.” I can't even begin to explain how the next couple exhausting days made me feel even closer to her as I gave her my undivided attention. That was my way of making up for the hurt and pain both of us had shared for the last few years as we tried to make our puzzle pieces fit together. Even in all this hurt and pain I feel now I am so eternally grateful that God provided that puzzle glue to make sure those puzzle pieces stay together and I never forget how the puzzle was made whole again.